Whispering Windows.

I dreamed over and over again,

of incapable me to hold the load,

of drunk me,

after swallowing down the potion of illusion,

talking nonsense by now,

tripping over and over again

and then it goes around,

something hymning in my vicinity,

the slight whispers,

drumming in my ears,

making me feel half-dead,

I silently scream,

harder and harder,

the silent hisses,

killing my soul,

harder and harder,

I open my curtains,

the wind tossing my hair,

harder and harder,

and what they say: she has gone mad,

looking at the sky,

listening to the wind,

but I know this is my path to be the warrior,

And just when the windows whisper,

I stare, I sigh,

When they turn more noisier,

I stare, I cry,

When they stop in the end,

I know its a goodbye,

How can I be a warrior when the whispering windows,

hymn my failure over and over again?

I look down and weep for I have lost the potential to look at me, while I cry.

Picture by Ayesha Riaz

Written by your bubble mate,

Ayesha Riaz.

Eureka!

"Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness." - Oprah Winfrey

Before entering all this over here I wrote something, instead some questions I asked Allah and somethings I pleaded him for:
Dear Allah Mian,
I prayed a lot to you, begged you for somethings. For a miracle.

 Is it just me? Why only me?

Why can't all be well forever, whats the need of my existence? When would my prayers be answered?

But I backspaced it all, I wasn't supposed to write this, this is a close sin, regretting! There are people who are always going to take out the prayer rug, sit down and pray just because they know he's the only one who is going to give and take. Once their work is done, they won't come back again until they face a difficulty further on! I don't want to be from the ones who are mean, unjust to themselves and to God. I realized that I need to wait for an answer. I am just a beggar in front of him, he is my lord.


Just when I sat down and read her letter, it made me all weepy, a melee of thoughts grew. She had written:
......I don't know but I think to me, you seem like a girl stuck in a huge spider web who's trying to come out but cannot......it continued on. But it it corrected me.
And then in my class I learnt something usual yet worthy, I had heard it a couple of times, said it to many but I had never understood it for myself.
Every person has some grimy days and some happy ones. Allah has given us both of these senates like a test for us, how we can control and bear them. When one can bear all the happiness all the bounties of life than why not sadness, why not grimace? Sometimes I think why is there have to be all this, why is there a need for me on earth? Why I have to drink up this tea whether its sweet or bitter? Such a common yet a difficult game is this that we our playing.
I don't know just today a feeling of guilty, of shame was growing in me. I was embarrassed on my dialog: Why me? For once my mind had succeeded in the battle with my soul. And I knew I was wrong instead I am wrong, there are corrections in everyone. I thought to correct them with you Mr.Bubble. You won't laugh over them.


The turmoil that has grown in me is: why me? I turned up my hands to you, prayed to you but why me? Why am I still unanswered. The heat, giving up heat has risen more, like a blaze, like an empty pot on stove sizzles when water is poured. A true warrior is the one who is neevr jealous from someone, he appreciates everyone.
But what my teacher and my soul says is: Its the most worst thing to regret yourself, to think that you are the world's most derailed product. Because you aren't, its not always you beneath the dark dark clouds, its not always you with the good and bad, this is the game. The real game and that's how Allah is balancing things.


Never think why only you? If you do so then think again, you are given the ability to read this that is vision, you are given the ability to talk, touch, smell and that's not all, there are many things around which maybe only some are blessed with and the others not. So think for a second why only you?
The point dear reader is that at times our lives take us to a place where there is darkness all over, where our existence, our cries don't matter but it never means you give up or you ask him questions like "Why only me?" You are living in your nutshell, you don't know what is going on around, someone's smiling in a pictures never means he is satisfied with his life. Allah has given sadness and happiness to everyone, stop thinking its only you. It never was and never is and will never be.


And then this saying of the legend came to my mind: 

Every moment I shape my destiny with a chisel, I am a carpenter of my own soul.-Rumi. It touched my heart, my inner soul. This was the right recipe that I had to agree. We are the carpenters, why regret on our own furniture?

And you know what, I wasn't left unanswered. I sat and closed my eyes thought thought and thought for a long time and it struck me suddenly that every time I prayed God answered me, he is answering me. My prayers are listened, its just that they aren't good for me. I don't know what the outcome is going to be, he is trying to give me happiness, ease and maybe I am just a little too impatient! I started doing something I usually do: Mirror Talking, I looked at myself, talked to myself, practiced inner peace, patience in me. There are many corrections to make before I pen down further posts on practicing to be a real warrior of light.


At night in bed, I closed my eyes and re-opened, rubbed them, they were wet. Automatically tears came out. And I started imagining stuff, started thinking about tomorrow but then wait, I said to myself: Why do I have to think about tomorrow. Do I even know whether I'll last tomorrow, whether I'll open my eyes and look at the world tomorrow? I got the answer, I smiled at myself! How dumb of me I asked questions and answered them myself, why think about tomorrow and give yourself a hard time. Lets live in today. I know the final destination is the Paradise, all this shouldn't matter to me.
I cried, tried seeking for forgiveness, and then ended up waking up in the morning: New life. I am blessed Allhamdulilah!
And then I wrote it again:
Dear Allah Mian,
In this pure month of Ramadan, I thank-you for everything you blessed me, for these breaths I am taking. Forgive me! Please Allah forgive me.
For I am trying to correct this, I dont' know allah if tomorrow I'll wake up and see the world.. But I know this moment is a miracle and tomorrow would also be a miracle. My life, breaths I am taking its all a miracle, its just me too mad. I am sorry.


"You are not supposed to grieve Ayesha! Nobody on Earth is perfect" I keep reminding myself this. And I think you should too!
So now when ever I think of grievances and all the chronic of life I say it to myself what once AESCHYLUS, (Agamemnon) said: "Call no man happy till he is dead." (A loud laughter within me while I write this)  And I wished, said it to myself that next time when she'll give me a letter she'll write the opposite. I promised myself. Instead I'll try to change! Bubblers lets try correcting ourselves, our souls & our mindset of life. Remember nobody's perfect. (Eureka)<----I felt for the first time.

For now I'd like leave you with a lovely song and I'll be back soon with another better post Inshallah:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bw3tYiAFVfg


Written by your  Bubble Mate,
Ayesha Riaz.

Ephemera!

After having mum's handmade and the most yummiest,zestiest 'chanay wali chaat'  in Iftari and offering our Maghrib prayers we sat in our sofas watching T.V.  Right after watching "Did you know that?" and "Mad Labs" we scrolled channels from Cartoon Network to Geo and from Geo to the most schizophrenic channel. We started discussing how Ms.xyz puts so so irrelevant and farcical thoughts into her dramas. By now I hope you people would have understood what I am exactly talking about. (But that's not what I really want to talk on further) We heard  a voice like somebody slamming our nearby washroom door, goodness it didn't had some squeaky handle or else we would have concluded a paranormal or ghostly activity.(I think I should stop using that word otherwise I would not be able to listen a haunted show tonight on FM) Anyways it went all so sudden and unexpected yet so blissful! I felt the real ephemera even now while I write this.


My sister could hear a whooshing sound from Launch window, like the voice of horse's hooves hitting the ground hard slightly less than that. "Rain, Rain" she almost started shouting so did I, leaving my laptop at the side of table and gushing towards the door. Even if anyone would have told me my blog is being awarded I wouldn't stop because it was RAINING and that surely was a great feeling, instead seldom to be seen at least for all the Karachites! *drums beating and whistles*


"Bhayee when would it rain in Karachi...huh"  The whole vacations hearing about Rain all over Pakistan except Karachi on Geo was a feeling of jealousy all the time! Our rainy days where almost unlikely every morning when the sun arose. But it didn't meant impossible actually in a way Allah was waiting just for the right time to open the showers of the dark, ponderous clouds for Karachi so that's special isn't it?
As I rushed outside in the garden towards the backside of our house, above me I could hear the thick water droplets tipping on the leaves and ground. I ran with all the wind blowing in my face, almost wet, trying to feel the pleasant aroma of mud and rain in my vicinity. The rain didn't stop all those hours, it was raining harder by now and I was shivering now. I sat on our door-step my teeth clinching with each other, my jaw was quivering and body shaking. The wind tossed my hair, whispered in my ear, hypnotizing me towards the pleasant atmosphere, it was so cold, even it is now so Mr.Bubble Blog you should have known so thank me for letting you know how the world had suddenly become. Some having goosebumps, some worrying, some being so excited that they rushed to the roofs and screamed, the night had totally turned wet. I wanted the moment to pause, everything to stay the same, same numbness a gratifying one but yes I had to come out from the illusions in my mind and back in house planning for tomorrow. I wish I had a Nikon to capture all that anyways I still had a Digital little Sony to capture Independence (14th Aug).
And just when I checked my Facebook after that there were many statuses for rain, just in some hours rain had gathered many fans. 
Ramadan, nearly 14th August and Rain, such an awesome feeling. I feel so contended. Thank-you so much Allah! The weather had turned perfectly the way we had photo-shopped it in our minds to be.


We had prayed a lot for rain and it finally rained now so why not raise our hands towards him and thank him, who blessed us with everything, our taps have water but we still want rain, that mesmerizing feeling of something awesome taking place and a reason to smile. Lets raise our hands and thank him today for showering his blessings on us even on a sinner. Why regret he knows whats better for you. thats what I call the night just before 14th August.


And and and Happy Independence Day.(Since its 14th by now because its above 12 am) We love you Pakistan.It's almost always that mom has the strongest and the quietest influence on us. She balances so many roles and she does it all with a smile and that's what our country does:Pakistan! All over facebook you'd see almost every Pakistani changing the profile pictures to green slogans or flags or even the poses of salutes:D!
Its the love that comes from the core of heart from the whole nation to its country!:) Happy Independence day once again! Proud to be a Pakistani. So lets get started with the Mili-naghmas.
Stay blessed Pakistan♥

Picture by Ayesha Riaz.

Written By your bubble mate,
Ayesha Riaz:-)

How I landed up on Mars...

lDear blog,
Today I do not have any topic to talk about instead I have something to share just because I couldn't keep it in. The best part about telling you things is that you don't answer neither question. You keep my things tightly tucked in a 1.
I trust you :! 
All the way from nursery making elephant puzzles I have landed up on a forest, I don't know what exactly it is but i am not familiar with it. I have forgotten to fly. This forest has hundreds of tall trees that I probably can not pen down. Huge dark holes in the ground, more like air-holes, they keep on pulling me down, down and under the ground. Am I lost? "No you haven't, you are just scared to move on" my inner soul tells me. What do I do? Please don't ask I am on a struggle of life. Make myself believe that what I have photoshopped in my mind is not a forest, its the real world, Its Earth! 
I never ever wanted to grow up and that's the real thing inside me, bothering me. I never wanted to see my own nation in bloodshed, to learn the real meaning of 'good people', to know myself. But sometimes the thing that bothers me more is why god sent me on this planet?, its all a chaos now. Can I backspace my life and be in a cradle again? "No you can't, you are just trying to escape from future" my inner soul tells me.


This isn't the world of my dreams, its cruel, hungry, unbelievable, unexpected and still the greatest habitat for humans. Not for me. A habitat has food, shelter, protection and mates perhaps I do not have the whole package. Things seem so different now, its not the same puzzle making homework it has grown tougher now. There is a feeling rising in me, a feeling of not facing tomorrow. The feeling that everybody has on the first day of school.
I was just thinking how I landed up on Mars, I meant how I grew and came to know 'Dunya'. The haunting truth of Earth: Nobody gets out so easily! Now my inner soul tells me now: Pre-nursery lied to you, Earth isn't the same as making elephant puzzles its about fixing and joining the pieces of your future puzzle. I am so not worth anything.


When I was in Play-group, I wanted to be in next higher grades like the big girls and boys around, but now when I am that girl I wanted to be I long to be the same two pony girl with a barbie, trolley bag!
So the main objective I wanted to share with you blog was how I thought I had landed on Earth but in reality on Mars! 
But then sometimes why do I feel like I am living in a cage not a castle? In Mars not Earth? In a spider web with no presence in the world? Why do I feel there is x ahead? I feel everybody has silent files within the loud actions they pose. I am sorry I know its mad to share something more like a riddle but it just happened, I didn't find anyone suitable or maybe Mr.blog you have started to be a bit more nicer to me! I still have that feeling of a nursery child at his first day of school, missing holidays, sobbing inside (not that much) , and and and saying ''mama kay paas jana hai''. Zalim zamana! 


When I see some other bubbles sometimes I feel there life is perfect mine is not! And sometimes, they have got even a hard time than mine, they have disability even a bigger problem and I am crying for this, for this little one! Sorry again my fingers just went on I know I shouldn't share it with you blog but how insane of me I did. I actually did. Riddled it and didn't told you the problem. In short Summary Once upon a time, I was a person who’d talk to anyone, unafraid – but insecurity and fear of not pleasing people has crept in and grown into this nasty, thorny weed, often crowding out the desire to be bold. Fear often trips up any desire!
I hate Dunya-its confusing, barely understandable! Like old ragged newspapers, hollow closed boxes and silent files, thats where I lie. I know. If only Allah changes this, if only my opinion goes wrong and IF only he helps me be loud and not lie in silent files where even laughter is numb. Huh! I thank him, I don't know how.
He has always been there, listened my prayers. I have no words to thank him. Allah is the only hope and happiness of something good ahead that is going to happen, in my mind!  What I think is that where ever Allah is putting you there must be something or the other better for you. 

• So go where he takes you, but oh yes watch the path! 

So bubble mates when ever you feel tangled up and that you are all messed up/caged always think of he who created you, he who sent you, he who gave you life and the little bounties. What ever he'll do, it would be better for you. And only he knows why you belong here. Why only you?

Yours (careless)
Bubble mate.

Ayesha Riazb

From Dawn To Dusk...

I wrote it when I was in my 6th grade, couldn't get time to re-edit it so there is the old copy of this poem, in which a child is conversing with his country, imagining how things haven't changed yet.
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Picture by Ayesha Riaz.

From dawn to dusk,

from smiles,

to painful miles,

that hides you in shame,

that covers you in the voices of blames,

that causes you to decay,

that causes you to whisk away,

...And why still pay for what not done?

From happiness,

to cries,

from the love of morning glory,

to sighs,

...And yet the pain never dies,

Dawn brought a new hope,

till dusk it ended up,

with a boom of gunshot,

from dawn to dusk,

you haven't moved an inch,

just those little clinches,

...And why still pay for what not done?

Dusk has took over dawn,

Yet your cells haven't took over your wounds,

till when would all this be?

till when every dusk would conquer every dawn?

Till when you'll pay for what not done?

...And yet the pain never dies,

Oh god have mercy on our nation,

we await for a new dawn,

we await for a better dusk,

our country won't die,

it would re-live the smiles,

There is bloodshed all over,

...And yet the hopes are high,

Yet the courage hasn't died.

Ramadan Mubarak!

"Yoghurt?" "Done!" "Milk?" "Done!" "Frozen parathas?" "Done!" "Dates?" "I totally forgot it..."
As women and men gush over to the fruit stalls and markets,bumper to bumper returning with trollies full of ingredients for Sehri and Iftari;notifies us how muslims all over the world prepare for fasting just the minute the moon is sighted.


After the holy month of Shaba'an comes a month of blessings,of peace and of control, the divine month of "Ramadhan".


Every muslim, men and women, kids and teens long for this sacred month. The excitement for fasting grows even more the day before 1st Ramadhan. I still remember the poem,


"Ramzan kay rozay aaein,
Hum jhoom jhoom jaein,
hum roza rakhna chahein,
tu ghar walay farmaein,
aglay saal, aglay saal, aglay saaaal!" 


Same was the case with me before turning 12 I use to bug mama a lot that I even want to fast but she always piped me down by saying:You can of course....a "Chirtria Roza" in which you can eat all you want! 


Ramadhan is the long waited month of purity and perhaps every capable muslim should fast and pray the whole month. Ask for forgiveness from Allah and pray for his blessings to be upon you and your family.
Control your moods and remember he is watching you. 
No evil deeds would enter your heart or mind the entire month as the devil is away. So be calm and don't let your inner-self out of control.


For now I'll leave you with this short note: Thank him for making you so capable, for giving you all the blessings, and for Ramadhan!
Let me be short this time so Happy Ramadhan to everyone.

Written by your bubble mate,
Ayesha Riaz:)

A Swan Song(dying sentence)

Remember me, remember my swan song,

Picture by Ayesha Riaz (Lets go Far Far Away)

I can't re-orient myself,
I can't live it all over again,
I can't re-orient myself,
I can't live that stain of my plastered smile again,


Let this be the last moment,
Let me say the last good-bye,
It won't count anything now,
So let me lay in silence,


Life has treated me well and I have had enough of it,
Lets end this game,
Enough of milling in and out,
Hear my swan song,


And let this end now,
I need to be away,
away from these thorns,
far far away,


Where you'll only see my memories,
my shadows,
my untold stories buried after me,
and my last swan song,


Hear my swan song,
I feel like a fish out of water,
from pillar to post,
fallen back upon,


Let me be buried under sand,
let me give my final test,
I'll never return, its time to sing,
sing my last swan song,


Hear my swan song,
maybe this moment or the other,
my soul would rest in peace,
before disappearing,
let me sing,
sing my swan song,


I only remember now the memory lived in me,
a perfectly encapsulated morsel ,
of a good past,
from piebald brush strokes swaying,
to barren now, that I'd become,


As I'll say my last goodbye,
hear my swan song, 
because now you'll never hear my voice again,
for ever and ever and ever...


Written by your bubble mate,
Ayesha Riaz:-)